Monday, October 15, 2012

downturn(s)

just like my blog that is facing a downturn, my life seems like it's becoming more dull, yawnful, and depressing. i've been busy with... simply nothing. 
i don't even know what exactly hits me, but i'm having a very low self confidence at the moment, which is... pitiful.

well, i believe events in life do spin. 
so, i'll definitely meet a solution sooner or later ;)














wore: zara knit-cardigan, bought at hk red bowler hat (my current fav!), amithevintagist bird necklace, romwe spikey ring, cotton on blue dress (yes, it's actually a dress! lol)


cheers,
@sartob
(follow me on twitter for more frequent updates ;)




Thursday, October 4, 2012

el-oh-vi-ie

i don't usually write heavy stuffs. i'm not a literature kid material.
truthfully, i find it hard to express things through writing
in blog, i post. i don't really write. 
however, this one day i had a beautiful dream that charm me real bad.
since it's too good to be missed, i put them into nice sentences to be shared.
so, here's a short story if you feel like killing some time.
but pleaseeeeeeee, don't judge me again, i'm not a writer.
your comments are very welcome though ;)


btw, you're able to skip the whole thing and jump to the pics!



"eL-Oh-Vi-iE"


It was merely a dream. I realised the dark cloud caught me in my sleep and slipped through my mind. I was not aware until he said the big L word, because in reality it will never happen. Yes, it was just a glimpse which haunted my days—slowly pervaded within me in this fantasy. I used to believe he was the one. Though people begged me to stop seeing him, even forced me to leave him, I trusted my feeling. This inner heart of mine disallowed me to separate our fate. Until, it happened.



“I love you, I really do. I can barely live without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And only with you”. I know I sounded so desperate. But I was truly madly in love with him. The more I denied this feeling, the more I fell deeper. “Thank you” “So, is that all? The only reply you gave is a thank you? I’m crying my heart out loud here. Can’t you at least say that you love me too?” I was scared. I can see through his piercing gaze he did not love me. He will never do. But as ignorant and stupid as I am, I kept clinging onto him.


 


Since we first met, the attention he gave was just pity. Recalling the old days, where I could feel the splatter of dew woke me up from my worst nightmare. Time froze. The moment I saw it occurred, I fell in despair. Then, he was there. I did not see him, but I could feel his presence. Soft, cold fingers that gently stroke my hair; a sweet whistle which melody calmed me—there, I felt so attached and depended on him.























After years living under his care, I developed this feeling where I could not differentiate illusion and reality. Whenever I consciously tried to gain back my sanity, he was there. The poignant look which draw me back into his company. I returned to this mystery which facing a dead-end. “Will you please stop left me questioning? If you don’t love me, just say so. You know I love you like crazy and I always will. But…” He gave me this usual smirk and stood up to grab me. “The feeling is mutual, my dear” “So?” “Let’s end this. Let’s say goodbye” “Wait, what? You said you love me too!” “I did not”. “You!...” He took baby steps to approach me, placing his bare lips on my forehead, and swiftly leaving the room.


He did not return back. Ages I waited but nothing I heard from him. “Darling, let go. Just let go and move on”. “No”. “Listen to me just this once”. “No”.


It happened


“He died. Cancer” Then with teary eyes she gave me an ordinary white paper with sleek and bold writings inside. “I love you. You have been dying to hear that, right? But what do those three simple words mean? Does it explain everything? Does it prove anything? I wish I could spend my mornings, my nights, and the rest of my time with you too. But, when mine is coming to an end, how could I grip your beautiful hands to stay? 
I am sly. I knew it is going to happen. That is why I retained you beside me. I knew you are going to be alone. That is why I took you and kept you safe. I planned this. I planned everything. But the death I am facing disenchants the real feeling I have for you. 
I do not know what love is. I have never learned how to spell it, pronounce it, nor read it. But I feel it, between us. 
Now listen. Let the breath of yours free the spirit I have been living under. Experience more love. Live the world you have been hiding from. And when your time ends; indulge me with your stories. Remember, our love is timeless, but you need to fly free. 
Farewell and I… love you









At the end, people surround me—the ones who play significant roles in my life, whom I care and love the most—are gone, leaving no trace behind. Again, I am left all alone. I am now defying the belief that one will stay forever. The fact that no one is going to embrace me when I am cold, or sing me a lullaby when I am afraid, or kiss my shivering lips when I am about to die in sorrow. The odd things he did to me, no one could ever replace. This fate I have been longing to boast is, however, fading. Yet, the unspoken love between us will stay true. You are a history and also the future. I will see you again, my love.




(pics taken at Royal Melbourne Show - more shots and stories coming up!)


a special thanks to: Pingkan Isabella 


cheers,
sartob